WHo Do you think You are?
Rethinking identity, personal stories, and the possibility of change in uncertain times
By Steve Bonham
“I’m a soldier and a mystic,
A baker and a thief.
I could be a carpenter —
That is my belief.”.
Who is it that answers when you ask yourself the question: Who am I?
It might seem like an abstract question, but how you see yourself — and the stories you tell about who you are — quietly shape how you navigate the world, especially one as uncertain and fast-changing as ours.
As a psychologist, I’ve long been fascinated by the narratives people construct about their lives. These aren’t just memories or reflections — they function more like internalised programs, shaping what we notice, how we feel, what we expect, and how we respond. Our personal myths become operating systems. And they’re powerful.
Psychologist Dan P. McAdams calls this the “storied self” — the idea that we create a sense of identity by assembling the events, beliefs, and interpretations of our life into an ongoing, evolving story. These narratives help us make sense of the past, give shape to the present, and anticipate what’s possible in the future.
The “I” You Think You Know
Ask someone to describe themselves and they’ll likely reach for labels or cause-and-effect explanations:
I’m anxious because I was always criticised.
I don’t trust easily because I’ve been let down.
I’m a writer because my grandfather told stories and played harmonica in the clubs of northern England.
These stories help us feel coherent. But they’re also selective. They smooth out the chaos of experience into something that feels tidy and true — even when it might be incomplete, or no longer helpful.
And often, we didn’t write them alone. They were co-authored — by family, teachers, friends, faith traditions, cultural narratives, and social institutions. Some stories we adopted without question. Others we inherited by osmosis.
Fixed or Fluid?
At the heart of this is a deeper question: Do you believe your identity is fixed — or evolving?
Some people see identity as mostly formed in early life and unchangeable thereafter. Others experience it as something under construction — shaped and reshaped by reflection, action, and choice.
Psychologist Erik Erikson described identity as something we develop across our lifespan. In recent years, Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset echoed this — showing how the belief that we can grow and learn makes us more resilient, curious, and adaptable.
Even so, fixed identity has its appeal. It offers predictability. Familiarity. Structure in a chaotic world. Even uncomfortable labels — I’m just not good with people, I’m always going to be anxious — can provide a strange kind of safety.
When the Story Becomes a Cage
Some stories nourish us. Others hold us back.
I’m not creative.
I can’t change.
I’m too broken for a good relationship.
These aren’t just beliefs. They’re mental scripts. They shape what we notice, how we interpret events, and what actions we feel able to take. They determine whether we try — or quietly withdraw.
That’s why many therapeutic approaches today — including Narrative Therapy, CBT, and ACT — focus on the stories we carry. The aim isn’t to dismiss your experience, but to re-examine the frame. To gently ask: Is this story still serving me?
Try This
Here’s a simple way to explore your own story:
List a few things you believe you like or dislike — and a few things you believe you can or can’t do.
For each, ask: What’s the story behind this belief? Where did it come from?
Then ask: Is it still true? Is it helpful? What might be a different story I could try on?
Becoming the Author
Early psychologist Alfred Adler suggested that we can act as if we are the person we aspire to be. When we do, we begin to write new stories — not by denying the past, but by changing how we respond to it.
That shift — from “This is who I am” to “This is who I am becoming” — is the beginning of real possibility.
A Final Reflection
You are not the sum of what happened to you. You are not fixed. You are not finished.
You are a story still unfolding.
And the next chapter is yours to write.
This blog is adapted from my book How to Survive and Thrive in an Impossible World (2nd Edition) On sale from from the above link (use discount code LAUNCH15)
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